Broken but giving myself to prayer (Psalm 109:4) 08 July 2023

 Broken, that's how I feel while struggling to pray! Do I have faith to carry me through this?

A mustard seed...... so little needed.  I was sure I heard the Lord speak to me. But how can I be sure?

I asked a ridiculous thing: I said Lord, if this is You, let a bird fly into my window. I am laughing while I type. Who do you think you are? Asking God to change the flight of a bird for You!

And I pray…. Lord, I need to hear your voice. The Hebrew of Psalm 109:4 is I am prayer. How do I become prayer, Lord?

I'm writing a blog! I know nothing about writing or blogs! Do other people pray like this in their heads?

It feels like I am having a conversation with myself. Am I going mad? I hear the Lord say. I am in you. Of course, you are speaking to yourself when speaking to Me.  I want you to surrender your will, thoughts and dreams to Me.  

Is that becoming prayer? So many questions. 

And still waiting on the bird. Crazy you say?

You may need clarification reading this. Let me try to explain. Writing it is surreal. Am I having a mental breakdown? I think of my friend. She told me about a mental breakdown she suffered. And I wonder…. Did it feel like this? 

Lord, where is the damn bird? 

For the sake of understanding. I do not want to give too much detail to my readers (my readers! I laugh out loud) I have suffered, as I see it, the worst of betrayal by the very people I have been good to. Likewise, I feel as if my whole life was a lie!  (Now I cry, and my husband thinks I am going mad). Just talking to the Lord. I explain, but the typing confuses him more.

Where was I? I feel worthless and small. I feel disqualified and like a failure. Reading Psalm 109 in contrast to Psalm 69. In both Psalms, the writer suffered betrayal. In Psalm 69 the writer admits he too was at fault, but in Psalm 109 the writer pleads innocence. Is my affliction all just a satanic attack and am I fully innocent, or is there repentance required. 

Ok, Lord! I am sorry!   I hear myself pray. Sorry for what? Is that me or the Lord asking? See I am still wondering is this my conversation with God or am I going crazy.  Eli thought that Hannah was drunk. Paul speaks about people calling us mad. But I am just not sure. 

Lord, please send that Bird! 

Could this be the beginning of a deeper intimacy with God?

If a damn bird can just fly into this window. I think God is laughing at me… or with me. 

I often pray with people and lead a prayer meeting and find it so easy to share the word of God. It is astonishing to me how I am so confident then of what God said!

But now searching for a breakthrough in my own circumstance and in need of God to answer me. I am not sure of anything. I started writing this blog with the idea that God somehow wanted me to write down my thoughts. 

Maybe it's too cold for the birds today? 

I need you, Lord! I need you to show me the way. I need your wisdom and I need to know your truth and Your will, not mine. (I know this is terrible academic writing but honestly, I am still sure I am having a mental breakdown. You cannot expect a crazy to write academically)

I guess I am really left with questions rather than answers:

What was my part in all this? I repent! I absolutely contributed to this.

Can I fix it? I am not sure. I will definitely try. 

How do I know God speaks to me? Nope, still think I'm having a mental breakdown. Is that how John the Baptist felt?  And Moses speaking to a burning bush?

Can I ask God for a Sign? I am sure some scholars will have a biblical answer. But I need that bird!

Lord, I know you are close to the broken-hearted. I know you hear and answer prayers. Even if I am going crazy, you are my rock and my refuge. You comfort me and surround me in my time of need. I am still Yours. Broken and beaten. Surrendering to you. My trust is in You. Amen

I have given up on that bird. But I will not give up on seeking the face of my Father.