The voice of doubt

 

Today I do not feel like praying. I do not know what to pray. Do I pray like David, for my oppressor's prayer be counted as sin (Psalm 109)? Do I have the right to pray like David? He was a man after God's heart. Do I even come close to that? That voice fills me with doubt!

Lord, I do not find it difficult to believe You are faithful. I know that for You, nothing is impossible.

What I do find difficult to grasp is that you would choose to do great things for me? That voice of doubt keeps shouting the opposite. 

I have never been the pretty, popular overachiever. I am not the one you will pick from a crowd.

I hear the Lord say Saul was picked because he stood out in a crowd. You are not a Saul but a David.

Tending to the sheep.

And here I find myself at that familiar place of wondering if God was speaking or my desire to get the answer I needed? THAT VOICE AGAIN!  Mocking me, taunting me. 

Fear is a liar. I have this feeling in my stomach that will not subside. I laugh, sing and chat. But inside, I'm falling apart. Lord, is that doubt? And if it is doubt, will it delay my victory? If I can just silence that voice. As it screams, I want to run and hide. 

Sometimes, all I am is talk. “Talk is cheap” I preach, encourage, counsel. But when the door of my room closes, I fall to pieces. And that voice …. It sounds believable. 

I am so weak, Lord!  Unbelief, I will never! I know who You are.

But I doubt who I am? I feel like an imposter. I am a prayer warrior. I should be speaking life into dead situations, proclaiming victory in defeat, and fighting with the Word to neutralise the works of darkness. 

But here I am cowering away like Gideon. Alone, broken, with that voice of doubt laughing at me!

Today I find it difficult to pray great prayers. Forgive me Lord? That voice is overpowering me!

If it's all the same Lord, I choose to hide today. At your feet. Still. Surrendering. 

Believing that You are a Good Father. Believing that I will lack nothing if I remain steadfast in my trials (James 1:4).

Trying to silence the voice of doubt. Here I am waiting. Once again, pouring out my heart.

Here I am, Lord, being fed by Your word. Your voice assures me.

........ waiting, praying, worshipping.  

And then I remember: I have been here before. That voice told me that it was over. That voice mocking me, taunting me. It was that voice that almost broke me! Suicidal, and without hope. That voice lied to me!

I remember how it made me doubt Your voice, but Your faithfulness remained. You never left me. You restored me. You healed me then, and You will heal me now.

You fought the battle then, and You are fighting the battle now!

Psalm 27: I shall look upon Your goodness, Lord. I will wait on You. I will take courage as I wait!

And as I lift my head ......silence. That voice is no more! Today I have overcome doubt.

Amen!