In between

 Lord, fill me. Lord, give me more, show me your face. I have often prayed these words. More frequently in the last couple of weeks. 

I knew I would somehow feel a sense of belonging in His presence. I will feel like me. I have not felt like myself for a while. I try to remember a time when I felt complete peace. Blank spaces in my mind. The more I think about it, the further back I go. Did I ever really have peace? Was my life a series of events and forced decisions. All leading to this. Just surviving and breathing. I am here… hoping, praying, longing.

I remember preaching a sermon once about dreams. The dream God placed in you. I preached on how trauma can cause you to be stuck in a place between fight and flight. Giving up on the dream. A place where you are not moving forward and a place where you are not retreating. A wilderness! Between Egypt and the promise. Between here and there. Between happy and sad. 

I am not happy, but I am not sad. I am not at peace, but I am not anxious. Ambivalence! I have no control.

I do not know the outcome and I have no guarantees. 

God is in control, and He has a plan for me. He is my refuge and the lifter of my head. Here in between I am resting, waiting, growing.

Waiting for You, Lord, to lead me into the promise. There I will never again have control because I will give all I have to You.  I will never feel like me, because I will not be the same. I will be renewed. Every event will be for Your purpose. 

In between, but not stuck. In between not going back. In between falling deeper in love with You, Lord! Come and fill me, hide me, reveal Yourself to me while I'm here in between.